Off and on I have shared with you a few of the hardships I have experienced the last 3 years.
The death of my son. Then immediately after his death I needed more emotional support than ever, but instead was further alienated and impacted by terrible family drama, followed by the estrangement of a precious family member. Shortly after that I experienced an ankle injury that took 8 months to fully heal. I thought I was out of the woods once my ankle healed, but no. Sitting around waiting for my ankle to heal led to my back atrophying and further caused issues with a previously existing back injury, which then led to over six months of sciatica (also referred to as psychotica because of its ability to drive a reasonable person to utter insanity).
After some time I could commiserate with Job’s predicament.
Throughout the hard times I asked, begged, and sometimes in frustration demanded healing and relief. I cried buckets of tears. I wanted, needed, an escape from the agony and the heartache. I wanted a speedy recovery, a prompt delivery, anything, to get me past the immediate pain. Continue reading
When I was a teen I was very curious about love as it was a foreign concept in my home.
At home, the word, meaning, or idea was never ever discussed… far from it. Life there was a string of harsh criticism and heartache.
In my mid-teens I became enamored with the newspaper comic strip called “Love Is.” I carefully cut out each little square and taped it inside my bedroom closet door along with the rest of my collection of Love Is comic strips trying to make sense of what love really meant. I gazed longingly at the little figures; their messages of love seemed so ideal.
I wanted their harmonious, altruistic, and thoughtful ways to be part of my life also.
I genuinely thought these little people represented the true example of love and relationship, and that anything else proved to be lack of love, something to run from. Continue reading
When I had very small children at home I chided myself constantly because I could not be the perfect mom, no matter how hard I tried. Not knowing then that I was losing a lot of myself and the precious things around me by expecting too much of myself, I forced myself to be all and do it all. I wanted to be the mom to my kids I never had.
I rocked my babies to sleep, showered them with kisses and hugs, read them stories, and got on the floor and played with them. I kept them clean and well dressed, and did all I could to keep them happy, well fed, and safe. Continue reading
God used His tongue for good in the beginning when He spoke the world of perfect beauty and unimaginable peace into being, and all of its inhabitants into existence, and said, “It is good.” Genesis 1 and 2
Yet, because of Lucifer’s jealousy, he said. “I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit on the mount of assembly on the heights of Zaphon; I will ascend to the tops of the clouds, I will make myself like the Most High” Isaiah 14:12-14 Continue reading
After forty years in the brutal desert, God will finally allow the Israelites to enter the Promised Land. Moses’ time on earth is fading. He makes his final speech to the Israelites, recounting all that their God had done for them, and tells them not to blow it again.
That forty year trip should have really only taken them 11 days. That’s right, eleven days. Deuteronomy 1:2.
Why did it take them so darn long?
Ten of the twelve men sent to spy out the land they were about to fight over were terribly worried. Their worrying was rooted in their lack of faith to follow God’s orders, and move forward to take the Promised Land.
I learned something last night. I am taking a self-help class on a book called Safe People. A profound book on relationships that’s backed by Scripture. We discussed relational peeves in our group. I shared two experiences.
“Are you withholding sex from your marriage? A man needs to have sex every 72 hours, and if you are not available that could be one of the reasons why your marriage is having such problems.”
I sat in the chair with my mouth dropped open to this pastor’s counseling words, and left the office more dismayed than when I entered it. I could not believe his preposterous statement. We had been attending the small church for over a year and it had taken me some time to get comfortable enough to go to the pastor for help. The pastor agreed to “counsel us” but after I left his office, I felt very little hope.
I had unwittingly signed up for an abusive marriage; the problems began almost immediately after the wedding. Though there was never any physical abuse, the verbal and emotional blows to me as a person were equally devastating, except unlike physical abuse; the wounding left deep scarring that seldom healed.
My expressions of feelings of despair and heartache were ignored and easily dismissed with.
“Hey, I’m perfectly happy. You’re the one with the problem.” Another time he said. “I don’t know what your problem is, I don’t beat you.” He did emotionally!
Of course he was happy. He was the one doing the lying, cheating, drinking, gambling, manipulating, controlling, criticizing, partying, ignoring, avoiding, abusing and oppressing. Continue reading