Off and on I have shared with you a few of the hardships I have experienced the last 3 years.
The death of my son. Then immediately after his death I needed more emotional support than ever, but instead was further alienated and impacted by terrible family drama, followed by the estrangement of a precious family member. Shortly after that I experienced an ankle injury that took 8 months to fully heal. I thought I was out of the woods once my ankle healed, but no. Sitting around waiting for my ankle to heal led to my back atrophying and further caused issues with a previously existing back injury, which then led to over six months of sciatica (also referred to as psychotica because of its ability to drive a reasonable person to utter insanity).
After some time I could commiserate with Job’s predicament.
Throughout the hard times I asked, begged, and sometimes in frustration demanded healing and relief. I cried buckets of tears. I wanted, needed, an escape from the agony and the heartache. I wanted a speedy recovery, a prompt delivery, anything, to get me past the immediate pain. Continue reading
Yes you do feel it, but love is something you
DO because of those feelings.
You spell love by the way you behave towards someone.
You act it out by putting actions to your feelings.
That is how you prove your love for someone. Continue reading
When I had very small children at home I chided myself constantly because I could not be the perfect mom, no matter how hard I tried. Not knowing then that I was losing a lot of myself and the precious things around me by expecting too much of myself, I forced myself to be all and do it all. I wanted to be the mom to my kids I never had.
I rocked my babies to sleep, showered them with kisses and hugs, read them stories, and got on the floor and played with them. I kept them clean and well dressed, and did all I could to keep them happy, well fed, and safe. Continue reading
Do you, like me, sometimes
wonder why God even created you?
‘…For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well. Continue reading
Grief, who invited you?
You were an undesirable guest, yet you made yourself at home just the same. And you felt free to use my heart as your footstool.
The day awoke me with heaviness, crippling despondency hung in the air.
I scowled at your presence when you showed up unannounced, and robbed me of my hope.
I felt your dense breath behind me when I walked towards the coffin that held my son… so still.
They said your days were numbered, and that I would have to wait them out. But nobody knew just how many they’d be. Continue reading
In the silence of night, in the tranquility of the darkness, a tree fell in our front yard approximately sixty feet from our house; and we did not hear a sound.
Trunk broke at the bottom.
Tree approximately 60 feet from house.
Half top of tree laying on the ground green but bottom half branches dead. Will have to check out other trees also.
God Spares Us Once More
I don’t know what it is about trees falling and me, but this is the third tree that’s fallen in my yard. One was 22 years ago, then another one fell, mid November 2013.
It’s a frightening thing to think that something so huge and destructive can happen so close to the house. Thankfully, it only caused some damage to the pasture gate. Continue reading
Thanksgiving Day was not even over this year when Black Friday rushed in like a runaway train. I hope as people abruptly switched mode from thankfulness to Christmas shopping and all the festivities of the season such as: office parties, school plays, the hustle and the bustle, planning holiday meals, stressing over prickly relatives; they don’t forget what it truly means to be grateful for what one has. As the old saying goes,
“We don’t appreciate what we have until it is gone.”
Those of us who have lost a loved one, especially a child, know this too well.
I barely survived my son Jonathan’s funeral. It would be the last time I would see his earthly body.
For one, I had a splitting headache from the grief, the stress, and sleep deprivation. It felt as if the same icepick that had been driven through my heart had also been driven through my skull when I numbly sat a few feet from the coffin that held my son’s body. Continue reading
Thinking of you, son. You live in my memories.
I hang on to mementos and childhood memories of jokes, smiles and laughter.
I am grateful for silly boy tactics, bouquets of wilted weeds, and a boy’s imagination.
I am grateful for the precious boy’s face I looked into and the hands I held.
I am grateful for the many “I lub you, Mommy!” and “I’m hungry!” I heard throughout his childhood. Continue reading
It is so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!
I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I awash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed right on the shampoo bottle label is this warning.
“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well, YOU BET I got rid of that shampoo!* Continue reading
I have never been much for believing in coincidences.
The Bible says that God directs our steps and knows just how many hairs are on our heads, so it is hard for me to imagine Him leaving things to chance.
My son, Jonathan, entered a drawing for a professional photo shoot a couple of years ago and won. Funny thing, Jonathan was always entering contests and seemed to have a knack for winning. He won a beautiful flat big-screen TV from a drawing also before that.
The photo shoot was taken in Spring of 2011.
Just months later, on September 24, 2011, Jonathan was killed in a motorcycle accident at the age of 27. Continue reading