The month of September will forever be imbedded in my soul as a much different month than the rest of the months.
It is a month of grief and rejoicing all tied into one tight giant knot.
- Grief because God prompted me to visit my 27 year old son, Jonathan, the Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of the fourth week of September nearly two years ago, to deliver a book I ordered as a gift for him.
It was a great novel about police work. I knew he would love it because he loved to read and because he was a police officer. It was a sort of peace offering, as we had been at odds with each other for quite a while and I wanted it to stop, but didn’t seem to convey it the best or it wasn’t received or something. Always something got in the way. Anyone who has had an extremely unfriendly divorce and terrible relationship with their ex knows what kind of havoc that can bring on the relationship between a parents and their children.
It had been one of those weeks. You know, the kind we all have at one time or another. We plan and crowd and busy-busy ourselves till we feel we cannot cram one more thing in. We had just returned from a week on the east coast Tuesday of that week, the 20th, after visiting my oldest daughter and her newborn, which was quite a trip since we live in the northwest. We were grateful my other daughter stayed at our house with her four children while we were away.
The book came in and my husband picked it up from the post office on Wednesday September 21st.
Immediately the prompting began.
My husband and I were then leaving again that Friday, the 23rd, for a weekend in Canada. Sunday the 25th, was our seventh wedding anniversary.
I was tired and had SO MUCH TO DO before we left for another trip, that I put off delivering the book to Jonathan till the following week.
- Grief because Jonathan died Saturday morning, the 24th, on a highway from a motorcycle accident.
- Grief because I experienced every parent’s worse nightmare the following week when I saw Jonathan in a coffin.
- Grief because I never got to tell him the things I wanted to say or let him know that God had placed it in my heart to pray for him and that I had been praying for him intently for nearly a year.
- Grief because I never got to give him the book I bought him or tell him how much he had been on my mind.
- Grief because I will never hear his husky, “Hi Mom!” again, or see him on earth, or wonder what to get him for his birthday.
- Grief because in my heart, Jonathan’s death will always be tied to my wedding anniversary one way or another. My husband and I will never celebrate a wedding anniversary again without the heaviness of Jonathan’s death weighing on my soul.
So where is the rejoicing?
- Rejoicing because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jonathan is in Heaven with the Most High!
- Rejoicing because I have the hope and assurance I will see Jonathan again and we will greet with a huge hug and kiss.
- Rejoicing because I could not think of another place better for my son than Heaven with Jesus.
- Rejoicing because there will be no more tears or sorrow or pain in Jonathan’s life, ever.
- Rejoicing because Jonathan got to spend his 28th birthday that following November with Jesus. Do they celebrate birthdays, I don’t know. They just might!
- Rejoicing because Jonathan had the best out-of-this-world Christmas ever that year and will forever, and I do mean literally!
- Rejoicing because God gave this brokenhearted mother an opportunity not once, but twice, to know that Jonathan is well taken care of and happy. You can read about this one here. The other one I am not ready to commit to a post just yet.
Please.
Take it from someone who has anguished over this. If you are sure God is prompting you to do something.
Just Do It.
Do you see what I am talking about? One just never knows. No one wants that kind of regret.
I will be doing several posts about Jonathan this month, I hope you don’t mind.
By ~ Elizabeth Yalian 2013 ©http://hiseyeisonthissparrow.com.
HIS EYE IS ON THIS SPARROW TOO Still Learning to Lean on God 
Thanks for the reminder to do it now, not put it off. I have a few regrets on this account myself.
\o/
Unfortunately, too many of us have those!
My heart goes out to you in the loss of your son. May God heal your broken heart. God wants us to learn our lessons from his hands of love and then move on. We all sin and fall short of God’s glory. However, he is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us of all sin. Forgive yourself and don’t let the past rob you of the joy today. God has forgiven you!
Thank you, I appreciate your encouraging words. I know God has forgiven me, I am the one having the problem forgiving myself.
Once you release and forgive yourself a weight will be lifted. You are worth it!
Thank you! Like I said, September is a very difficult month, it all seems to hit me then. The death of a child is a HUGE thing. It’s always in hindsight that we wish things had gone differently 🙂
Not easy, at all. All we can do is let the past go because we cannot relive it. Grief and regret can suck the life out of you and turn the world gray. May you know God’s love and comfort surrounds and encircles you!
Your words are very true. Thanks!
Welcome!
It is very a great mystery, I mean, the way The Lord deals with our griefs of all kinds, whether they be the loss of loved ones, or our deep inner and often unspoken griefs of regret and self- condemnation. In all things The Lord knows our hurts and losses. Often I wonder how Jesus felt when he lost his earthly father Jesus… Myrrh is a costly treasure. It’s worth???
Loss, grief, regret, these are some of the toughest things to deal with in life. And you are right, it is a great mystery how God uses these to complete us.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. Your list of joys is wonderfully bittersweet. Praying God’s comfort for you today Elizabeth.
Thank you Sarah!