Category Archives: Inner Sruggles and Heartache

July 16, 2013 · 6:55 pm

Just Like Daddy

When I was a little girl, there was no money for toys. The freedoms and wealth from pre-communist days had been stripped from Cuba. Everyone became equal. Equally living in poverty, with food being rationed; and under the control of Fidel Castro. My family immediately planned on moving to the U.S.

Non-communists or gusanos (worms), were looked down on. My mom kept me from the neighborhood kids for protection, and so I wouldn’t pick up a communist attitude.

You would think an only child receives a lot of attention from family, but attention and affection were scarce in my home. I was often very lonely. I didn’t understand it then, but I longed for healthy interaction and relationships.

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July 13, 2013 · 3:14 pm

Is That A Megaphone I Hear?

In my post yesterday, Why, Oh Why So Much Suffering, I wrote about the pain of suffering in our imperfect world.

I don’t think I will have too many disagree with me when I say,

“Pain and suffering is the pits!”

But there are good things that come from our suffering.

We tend to be selfish and stubborn, wanting our way.  We think we need no one, we can do life on our own.  We are wired for relationships, especially with God.  God’s desire for a relationship with us often gets put off or ignored.

In The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” Continue reading →

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July 12, 2013 · 4:13 pm

Why, Oh Why All The Suffering?

I banged on the locked door screaming in horror, begging my mom to let me back in.  My grandmother pleaded with her to open it. The neighborhood kids laughed and shrieked,

”Look! She’s naked!”

I tried to hide behind my grandmother.  My mom opened the door, but blocked the entrance.

“Oh, no, you stand out where everyone could see you.”  I rarely disobeyed her, this time I didn’t move.

“Don’t you dare hide.  Stand out here or I will give you an even bigger beating!”

“She is just a child.  Don’t do this.  Let her back in the house,” my grandmother interceded.

“No!  She needs to feel the shame I felt today when that black b***h humiliated me!  How does it feel to be ashamed?  Maybe you won’t embarrass me anymore!” Continue reading →

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July 9, 2013 · 12:27 am

Weeds In The Greenhouse

I have a hoop greenhouse.  It was just set up this year so I am learning a thing or two about greenhouses.  One thing I didn’t know is that if one is not careful, the warmth intended to strengthen and nourish the plants can end up overwhelming and harming them.  There must be a balance between the light, the warmth and water and nourishment.

I figured having tomatoes, beets, squashes, zucchinis, bell peppers, onions and other assorted vegies in a protected environment like the greenhouse meant my plants would be protected from the elements like frost and cold.  I thought I would not have to worry about pesky bugs, well not as many anyway. However, if the bees cannot get in to the greenhouse, there will be no pollination and the plants will be fruitless.

I was sure weeds would be a thing of the past.  But not so!  There are weeds in the garden beds, and in the walking path between the beds.

Some of the weeds were blown in as seeds by the wind. Continue reading →

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July 6, 2013 · 12:10 am

I Can Make A Big Mess All By Myself

Since the beginning of mankind, people have had a tendency to blame others. In Genesis 3:11-13, God confronts Adam and Eve after they eat of the forbidden fruit.

God said, “Have you eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded you that you should not eat?”

Adam said, “The woman You gave me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.”

The LORD God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?”

Eve said, “The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat…”

Adam blames Eve, indirectly blaming God, “the woman You gave me.” Eve blames the serpent. There you have it. When it comes to humanity, as Solomon said in Ecclesiastics 1:9: “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”

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July 1, 2013 · 8:46 pm

A Matter Of Integrity

imageI walked into a room full of people at the department of motor vehicles last Thursday.  My first instinct was to turn around and walk out, but alas, it was imperative I renewed my driver’s license.  I pulled out a #2 ticket from the Take-A-Number dispenser on the wall, and looked for the “now-serving” display, but couldn’t find it.  I asked a person sitting next to the ticket dispenser what number we were on.

“Eighty-six,” she said, pointing to the display on the wall behind us, “but it’s moving very, very slow!” Several others shook their heads in mournful agreement.

“A few people have already left!” One man said disgustedly.  It was going to be a long, long wait.  I ran to the car, got a book to read, and came back.  I chose one of the three empty chairs on one side of the room, near the customer service counter. Continue reading →

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June 28, 2013 · 1:24 pm

Providence For A Hardened Heart

It was in the mid to late 1990s that I had the worst financial struggles as a single mom raising three teenagers alone.  I had no family support, and an ex who refused to pay child support.  I worked multiple jobs, yet still could not fully provide for my family.  One winter, the temperature dropped to the single digits.  My teenage son, who normally, proudly walked around in shorts and a T-shirt in the winter, begged me for a winter jacket to replace the one he had long outgrown.

I was far behind on paying my utility bills. The credit cards I relied on to buy groceries, gas, or sometimes pay utilities were full.  One evening, overwhelmed with the desperate situation, I tearfully sought out God’s help in spite of the anger I felt towards Him over our drastic situation. After several years of extreme poverty, I saw no relief in sight.  I was physically exhausted, mentally spent, and spiritually tired of God’s silence. Continue reading →

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June 28, 2013 · 1:27 am

Shhhh, Listen, Can You Hear Him Now?

We have a fancy-schmancy coffee maker that comes with all the typical pre-programing bells and whistles. This one also alerts you when the coffee is finished brewing, and one hour after to remind you it will be turning itself off.  Originally, it must have been pretty pricy.  I bought it for $10, lightly used from a friend.

We are super spoiled nowadays with all the alerts and signals our gadgets, appliances and cars are programed with.  Our phones signal us of voice and text message alerts.  Mine sounds like the ding-dong of a doorbell, my husband’s whistles.

Even our body comes with basic pre-programed signals that remind us to eat, to sleep, to take better care of ourselves, etc.  We even have a pain alert most of us don’t appreciate.  I sprained my ankle Memorial Day weekend, and I still get you-over-did-it alerts when I get physically overzealous. Headaches alert us of stress or misalignment or that something else is going on.  If we accidently lean up against a very hot surface, we get an immediate pain, signaling us to move quickly or we will get burned. Continue reading →

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June 21, 2013 · 1:17 am

Mistaken Identity

image

After years of wandering through sullen shadows,

And stretched, somber avenues of abandonment,

Of wearing masks, and living empty echoes of life,

She knew little more than to follow the crowd.

She explored unhealthy places that whispered contentment.

She believed in the hollow promises she sought within.

Singed and torn by unfriendly competition,

She longed to believe that there was something

Of value, one thing, anything, worthy inside of her.

She found no identity to call her very own.

By nineteen, she was overcome by this world.

********** Continue reading →

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June 15, 2013 · 11:48 pm

A Tribute To The Only Father I Have Ever Known

Father’s day has always been a very painful day for me. I felt the emptiness of never having met my father while growing up. I felt an even greater loss, because he didn’t care about me at all. He walked out on my mother when she wouldn’t abort me. This year, I chose to do something different. I chose to honor the father who has always been faithfully with me, with this poem.

My bio-father wanted me aborted,

A heartbreaking fact I have had to bear.

His wishes, however, were thwarted,

By another father who surely did care.

A father with much richer, future plans,

For this embryo, so fragile and forlorn.

He guarded me with his very own hands,

Instead of allowing my flesh to be torn.

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